OK I'm back.

OK so I wasn't going to post for a while, but I've decided I don't need to seclude myself as much as I need to just set some ground rules.
Let me start by saying my life is complicated and has many, many problems. Its hard to face those problems sometimes.
Currently I am very emotionally unstable. I am having to face some truths that are very hard. The Lord blessed me with four amazing children and I feel that I am suppose to be their mother. If I have to work full time what kind of a mother will I be. Yes I'll still technically be their mother, but I won't be raising them, I won't be the one telling them why it's not ok to say that or do that, I won't be the one molding them into the people I want them to be. I'll be the person that is there a couple of hours each evening to feed them and make sure their homework is done, for Addisen and Carter thats not so difficult for me. For Avarie and Sawyer I literally feel like I am giving them up. I have had to face many hard things in my life, many of them I continue to face and try to deal with, but this to me is the hardest. I know that many of you will want to write that I will be showing my children a good example and showing them how much I love them by being willing to work so hard for them, but that is just to make me feel better. They may be true to some degree, but we all know that my children, all children, are better off when they have a mother to guide them and direct them and raise them. It is devastating to feel like I am having to give them up.
So when anyone wants to give me advice or try to help me and lets face it our family is great at these two categories, please understand it is hard for me to talk about. I want to shoot down any and every idea because they are everything I don't want to do. I want some magical answer that will allow me to be a mom to my children and still be able to live and there isn't one I know that but I need time to adjust. Too much help and advice right now will make me feel rebellious. It will point out to me what I am giving up and I don't want to do that, I need to just move ahead and do this job thing and not dwell on what I am losing, talking about it makes me feel it and I don' t want to do that. I don't want to feel the loss of my children, and what I had wanted for my life.
My only hope is that I will be able to find a good job. I am applying at both Vancouver Hospitals for anything I am qualified for, I don't know if I'll have any luck, but I am trying. So if anyone knows of a good paying job please let me know, but please don't try to emotionally help me right now. I need to emotionally try to shut down. That is what I was trying to do by going into "seclusion" but Andrea is not so good at the letting people go into seclusion thing even though that is who I was mostly directing the seclusion thing too LOL. And then Carey blogged to me some very interesting points that I liked hearing, a lot of them were true, but understand we did not blow the money from the sale of our house. Honestly we did not make a lot of money, then we had to pay off some debt, we were with out health insurance for over 2 months and Craigs meds run around $1500 a month and Craig was out of work for 2 1/2 months, and when he found a job it was minimum wage and only part time to begin with. Money goes fast. There were some ways I look back and wish we would have done things better, but I know that for the most part we weren't too bad with it. Anyway it is what it is and so I need to keep looking for answers. Sometimes you can think you find them and then they don't work out, so I keep looking. Its all very overwhelming sometimes, but some how it will all work out. It has to or I'm moving in with one of you, hahaha.