My Answer

First, update on Avarie, she is doing much better today, all seems to be well. I guess I was just annoyed by that Dr. I am very thankful that is well.
Now on to my reason for my blog today. I want to share a personal answer in my life that I have received. Some of you already know this story, for others I hope that it will mean something to you, because it is sometimes the only thing that keeps my faith alive. This may be a long blog, sorry but I want to say it all.
My adult life has never been easy. I have had many hard times. Somehow I made it through them all, so far. I need to start this story back almost four years ago with the birth of Avarie. She was my third child and honestly I thought my last. Life was not easy for Craig and I and three children was definetly more then we could afford to take care of. One morning when Avarie was only a couple of weeks old Craig handed her to me and said "Here take him", it was as if someone had come into my home and taken my baby away from me, my son was missing. I can't explain it any other way. I know that it was just a slip of the tongue on his part, he meant to say her, but when he said that I was immediately overwhelmed by this feeling of a missing son. I honestly cried off and on for about a week over it. I knew that it was silly and yes I was postpartum so I just chalked it up to that at the time, but I had never felt anything so strong before. It stayed with me for a very long time and then the feeling began to get weaker after about a year. Occasionally I would have a dream about this little blond Carter(my older son), and I would think about how I felt when Craig handed me Avarie, but then I would let the feeling slip away. Then when Avarie was about 2 I had gotten two part time jobs and was applying for a job at Providence Hospital, I had started to move into a new phase of my life, at least I thought I had. Craig was not doing well mentally. In fact it was the worst he had ever been. It was bad. I decided there was no way we could have another baby. I had had an IUD when Avarie was a baby put in, but I was having a lot of problems with it and wanted to have it removed so I talked to Craig about the big snip, snip. He was reluctant, as any man would be, but finally agreed. He made an appointment. Now I have to say I really, really wanted him to have this procedure. My sister would talk to me sometimes about are you sure, she would try to gently persuade me to try to rethink it, but I had my mind made up. There was just no way I could have another baby. I had just been hired at Providence, things were going well. I went to the appointment with Craig, It was just an evaluation, they then make you wait 30 days before the procedure. The second we walked in the door to the waiting room, I honestly wanted to run out and I mean literally I wanted to run. I didn't I thought I was just really nervous, but it was a horrible feeling and it just kept getting worse. When they called him back I got up and went with. The nurse did her questions and blah blah blah stuff, then the Dr came in and it was pretty fast and nothing spectacular said or done. He was nice but all I could do was sit in that chair. I didn't move, I didn't speak I just sat there. The Dr then asked me if I had any questions and I honestly could not even speak to him I just shook my head. I wanted out of that room so badly. If I ever had to try to explain evil to someone that is how I would explain it. Now don't get me wrong I don't think the Dr is evil, he actually is a member of the church and so were all of his nurses, come to find out later, but the feeling I had being there was something I never want to feel again. We left and I told Craig how I felt. I still didn't think there was any way we could have another baby, but maybe we should wait and see if maybe in the future we might want to if life turned around for us. We went back and forth so much over the next several weeks. Craig continued to mentally get worse and as far as I was concerned we had to go through with the appointment. No matter what I felt in that office, we had to do this. Oh I left out that I had had the IUD removed a couple of weeks before, I was having a lot of problems and I had convinced my self that we could be careful for the next couple weeks until his appointment. Honestly, one time we weren't, but there was no way I could get pregnant then, the timing was majorly off. The night before the surgery we decided to put off the procedure for just a couple more weeks because there was just still that lingering doubt, about are we really really sure. Heavenly Father decided to be sure for us and I found out the next week I was pregnant. So we could have gone ahead with the surgery it wouldn't have mattered, it was too late at that point anyway. I was devestated, and I mean devestated. I thought about putting the baby up for adoption(I wouldn't have really, but I thought about it). I was not handling it well and I refused to tell anyone, besides Craig of course, and that is not like me. I've never been able to hide something like that. I tell everyone the same day I find out. But I didn't tell anyone. After almost a week of me not handling things well Craig went behind my back, with love, and called my mom and told her. He thought I might need her, and I did. That same week I was giving my first lesson as a RS teacher and told this story and also told everyone that this better be the boy that I felt so strongly about, otherwise I would upset with HF, because that was the only light I had in all of this. The only thing that kept me okay about it was that I remembered feeling so strongly about a missing little boy. Several months later when we had the ultra sound I had convinced my self it was a girl, I just knew it was, but I was wrong. There he was, my little boy. The boy that HF had told me very strongly I would have, and there he was.
Sawyer was born July 27, 2007. I have lost faith many times in the last few years because of some very hard times in my life. Many times I have felt so alone, and wondered if there really was a God. Was he really there and if he was where was he because my life was not going so well and I have wondered many times if he was really there or not. But when ever I start to feel that way now I look at my son. A son who should not have been, by todays standards. But the feelings that I have had over the years about this little boy there is no way you can explain them off, not to me. I knew him, I knew him years before I knew him. And the only explanation for that is that there is a God and he has a plan for me. He has a plan for me! I am not a forgotten soul and I am not a mutated monkey. I am an eternal soul who has an eternal destiny and my family are a part of that destiny, all of my family.
We have since revisited the same Dr and there was no more bad feelings there. I actually felt completely fine there. We went ahead with the procedure and for us our family is complete, and I feel good about that. So any time I question and I still do for small moments, I look at my son, he is my answer he is what keeps my faith alive. I know that I need to build my testimony on more, and i have realized over the years how small my testimony can be sometimes, but my little boy is my answer when all else fails.