I was reading my patriarchal blessing tonight. I hope this is okay to talk about, but I need to. In my blessing it says "There are many times that you will be tired and disappointed, but never discouraged. There is no place in the kingdom of God for discouragement." I don't know how to live up to this. I am discouraged right now and according to my blessing that is not okay but I am and I don't know how to dig myself out. My life feels broken and there are no easy fixes, and the hard fixes feel too hard or scary. I know everyone is wondering what is going on. I'm not ready to share just now. It's something that I need to work through first. I know I probably sound very depressed and honestly I am, but I know it can and will get better. It always does some how. Its just hard right now because I don't know how to make things better.
This just came to me and I thought I would write it. This last year after Sawyer was born life was a mess. We were trying to sell the house, so I had to keep fixing it up for people to walk through, I had my four children plus zakk there to take care of and I had just given birth and my husband was in and out of the hospital. Anyway, it was a really bad time and I remember feeling so scared and lost. It was general confrence weekend and I wanted to watch but it's always hard with children. I caught some of it and missed some. Andrea called me and I remember her asking if I had listened to one of the apostles talks, I can't remember who it was right now, He had relayed a story about I believe Rachael. How her and her sister were married to the same man and her sister had born several children and she had been barren. She pleaded with the lord but continued to be barren while she watched her sister continue to have child after child. And then the part that stuck out to me and I could be totally butchering this story and misquoting this, but then the scriptures said something like, "and then the Lord remember Rachael", and she bore children. That line sums up how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I feel forgotten and I wonder if the Lord will see my pain and remember me.
I hate that my life can change so drastically. Honestly just a couple of days ago life was going so well. I had hope again and felt happiness. Now I'm wondering if it was just all a big lie.
I really shouldn't post this, please everyone know I am okay I just needed to say these things.
Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and feel better and life will seem better. I hope anyway.
Monday, June 23, 2008
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Important components of faith are patience, long-suffering, and enduring to the end. The Apostle Paul recounts the faith of Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, and Sara, concluding that “these all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth” (see Hebrews 11:4–13). These faithful Saints knew that this earth life was a journey, not their final destination.
But with the passage of time, we encounter four of the most beautiful words in holy writ: “And God remembered Rachel” And just as God remembered Rachel, God will remember you.
The lord blessed Rachel when he felt she was ready to receive them. The lord has blessed you so much Jenell and has so much more he wants to bless you with but sometimes it can be hard to see all that he has done when some prayers have been perceived has unanswered. I have found that the lord's best way that he likes to teach us faith is through patience. It must be the most effective but it is definitely the hardest on us. I think when we struggle the hardest we are more prepared for what he has in store for us. Just remember those that he has loved the most he has challenged the most so you are in great company! I know that that brings little comfort but it is the truth. I can't think of a single person in the scriptures that didn't suffer. The lord gives us challenges but has promised to endure them with us. He wants the best for you but he allows you to decide what that is and with each choice comes the consequences whether they be good or bad. Just because decisions are tough doesn't mean that they are wrong it also doesn't mean that they are right either. I just know that the more I align myself with all that he has asked my clarity in making decisions becomes so much more clear. It's as if with each commandment I strive to keep he gives me another tool or keys needed in my life to make it through. Here are a few keys that have continued to help me in my life, I guess you can borrow them!
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”Proverbs 3:5–6
“And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.” Doctrine and Covenants 61:36,
The Lord remembered Jenell
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