So I am a step mother to a teenager. A 16 year old boy who over the last several years has developed a very strong mind of his own which we witnessed yesterday.
Zakk is 16 and let me say he is a wonderful kid. He is not a typical 16 year old in many ways, but in other ways he acts exactly his age. He has been with us for a couple of weeks now, but left over the weekend the first week he was here and then last week we spent the day in the emergency room with Avarie, so Sunday and church hadn't really come up yet.
We were getting ready for church yesterday when Zakk informed his dad, Craig, that he didn't want to go he thinks our church is totally not true and did not want to be there. Craig was very upset and started to have a heated discussion with him telling him that he is too young to make up his mind on such an important issue and that it is important for him to keep an open mind. He also tried to explain to him that he is listening too much to other influences around him. I wanted to butt in but I also felt that this was something that Craig should handle, he is his father, I am only the step mother, but the conversation was turning angry and Craig was very upset and went to get something out of the car. Zakk really didn't want to go, but I went and talked to him and told him that we are not asking him to believe or even listen to what is being said, but that we are trying to raise our children in this gospel and that for their sakes I was asking him to go so that they could see that this is something that we do as a family. I didn't want to get it in to their minds that they could decide not to go, they are too young to make those decisions, that is my job to make those decisions for them right now. I told him that we loved him and that I didn't care if he didn't believe, and then I said well I do care, but that I loved him no matter what he believes or doesn't believe, but that this is something we do in this family and it is important for us as a family to do this. He said ok that he would go. Then Craig came back in and I let him and Zakk talk, I saw him give Zakk a great big hug and talk to him and then everything seemed ok.
Sacrament went well, Addisen bore her testimony just like every testimony meeting, she loves going up there and she does such a good job. Then Carter wanted to go but he would need help and Craig and I were debating about who would go, I don't like to go up and bare my testimony so Craig went and of course he said I brought my son up because my wife wouldn't, gotta love him anyway. Then he gave a wonderful testimony and I was so glad that I chickened out and sent him.
I'm sure Zakk will decide to leave this weekend so that he doesn't have to go again, but we'll see. I wish we could have handled it all better from the beginning, but can't undo what is done. It's hard because Zakk doesn't have to stay with us, he comes because he wants to and I don't want to push him away. He already doesn't like to see Denver, his adoptive father. He hasn't spent time with him in well over a year, but I also want him to know that this is important. He chooses to spend as much time with us as he can as it is and I love that and I would like to keep that relationship. I am worried that this issue will damage our relationship with him but I feel that it is important for him to know that this is important to us so that one day he may wonder or ask for himself about the truthfulness of the church. If he never becomes LDS then that is ok. I honestly would still love him just as much as I do today. I want to be close to him always, but I also want him to stay open minded and not decide at such a young age about something so important. Everyone needs to find the truth for themselves, I hope he will find it one day.
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4 comments:
Well, sounds like it has been building for sometime. You probably need to have more open free discussions about everything. People bursting like that comes from months or years of repressed doubts seems to me. And maybe he'll resolve all the issues, who knows. But in the end, it's only the power of the atonement that convince someone of the validity of the gospel. To some it is given to believe easily and effortlessly, but there are many more who do not have this gift, and when life brings these people low we can only hope and pray that they will be close enough to someone in the church that they can remind them to pray.
Just don't try to argue it with too much logic or 'common sense'. While it may seem easy and harmless, I can assure you it is not. It needs to be argued with the spirit and with unconditional love.
I have written a really good response twice now and there keeps being an error with the site and it keeps erasing it, ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!
So I am trying one more time and I am going to really condence it.
The problem Zakk has with the church stem from several things in his life: he has not attended any church regularly since the age of 7, his grandma who has the biggest influence in his life hates the church and will not allow the BofM in her home, Zakk lived with her for 6 years, his current stepdad is a microbiologist who believes only in evidence and facts and he attended a private christian school for the last 2 years. The school taught the bible really well, it just interpruts things very diffently then us. He believes in a God, just as he puts it a different God then us.
We have had many really good and long discussions with him, we have them a lot and never trying to convince, just really good discussions, Zakk loves them and so do I, Craig gets irritated with them, but Zakk and I will go on for hours sometimes.
My concern is that I don't want to make him feel like if he doesn't go to church with us that he can't come over, or is not accepted by us. I plan on talking to Craig tonight about this. I think I want to let him stay home if he wants to so as not to push him away from us or have any negative feelings towards the church because we forced him to go. I need feed back about this, I want to do the right thing, I adore him and don't want to do anything to lose him in our lives.
Jenell, our religon is very different to that of others. We have very different beliefs, and different teachings. Even though time after time we try to explain to people that we are just like Christians, we will never win the arguement. But I have come to realize living and fighting with Catholics that we are very different. Just as Catholics are different from Christians. Like one thing Nathan's aunt and I continously fought about is are the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ, and Heavenly Father the same person or are they all different? Well we believe they are seperate individuals, and Cahtolics believe they are one. No matter what neither one of us ever won. Because we all have the right to think what we want, and I know I cannot make Strong willed Catholic change their mind just by arguing. But you can change their mind by example. I hated the church for a long time I was forced every Sunday to go and I began to hate it. When someone is forced to go it makes their experience worse, because they go with their mind already made up that they don't want to be there. Now as time passed and I didn't live with my parents anymore, I learned for myself that the church is true and it something that is very important. I think Zakk has gone so long without going to church, that the only way he is going to go is if he realizes it for himself. And that is what you and Craig are for, to set an example and try to lead him back to the church. Now I know this is hard since he only comes every so often, but encourage him while he is here to go with Anthony to Young Mens, or even now him and James are going to the same scholl encourage him to go on Young Men outings with James. But Craig arguing with him will not help it at all, I know that as a parent you just get so frustrated you don't care if you yell or not, but that has always been something that has not made me want to see my real dad. Because he really has not had a lot of influence in my life but yet when I am with him he would try to ground me and argue with me and it just made me more mad. I mean I totally understand why Craig did it because it's not only upsetting, but it's disappointing, and it makes you feel as a parent, like you have failed in some way. I know you don't want the little kids to see he has a choice to go or not, but it's the reality of things. Some people choose not to live by the gospel, and that is something they will see whether it's from Zakk or not. You just need to show them that going to church is a choice and some people choose not to, but for those who do will recieve many blessings, will live at happier, better life. We all don't want to see our kids stray away from the church but they all hit a point in their life when they can decide for themselves (when they are old enough, and don't live at home) if they live the gospel or don't. Look at Craig, Daren, and my Mom, for a long time we never thought Craig or Daren would live the gospel again, but they did and they are. You see most of the kids who stray away are the one's who are forced to go, not the ones who's parents helped them understand the importance of going... Well I think I should be a Phsycologist (sp)!! LOL Well I don't know if this helped or made any sense..
Megan thanks for responding, its fun to having people answer and give advice. The one thing with Daren and Craig and even your mom coming back to the church is that they were raised in it so they had something to come back to. Zakk for the most part has been raised to believe in nothing, so there has never been any ground work for belief in him. Not to say that he couldn't one day find it anyway. I just want to give him every opportunity to see it and feel it. But Craig and I have come to the realization that we do not want to try to force him. Honestly that was never our intention. We just wanted to treat him like we would our own children. But we realize we can't, Zakk is only here because he wants to be and chooses to be. Craig has no parental rights to him, so Zakk comes because he wants to and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that, we love him to much. It has me wondering if I will even force my own kids when they become teenagers if they don't want to go. I always believed I would because I want it to always be something that is a part of our life, not an option, but a part of our life. Now I'm not sure. Its going to require some thought. I think I will write a blog about it tomorrow.
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